i've just tendered my resignation as a ssc swimmer yesterday morning. 10years being part of the swim team there, i don't want to let go, but there's really nothing left for me to hold on to.so i'm officially a non-club swimmer now. sigh, i feel so "free" everyday now. there's no need to rush from school to the club to train anymore. there's no need to rush home to complete my homework. everything feels so different now. i've so much time. or rather too much time to spare i get pretty complacent sometimes.

yup, and although life was hectic in the past, with training almost everday after school, it really made my life a lot more meaningful because everytime i did a PB in a competition, the satisfaction i would get from it is something i cannot describe in words. on the other hand, everytime i didn't do a PB, i would get really upset(cry, sometimes!) because i really bothered about it.
but now that i'm almost a fully retired swimmer, swimming is one of my lowest priority. and i get this can't-be-bothered feeling when i don't do well. (even if i do PB +20 seconds!). which makes me really sad, not because of the timing, but my attitude. like, why am i so complacent?

no more NAGS. no more ASEAN Cup. no more interclub overseas and local competitions. sigh. i think only when you're a swimmer will you believe that each competition is filled with fun, joy and laughter even though the atmosphere is tense and nervous-y.
sitting together with your swim mates waiting for your event, sharing whatever energy drink we have, museli bars, sleeping mats to rest on, ipods, cardgames,rubiks cube(!), camwhoring and gossiping etc. not forgetting the muggers who will bring their work to do while waiting for their event. HAHA. i'll definitely miss all of that :)

& idk why but i have this sudden urge to hug all my dearest ssc swimmers whom i have grown up with! haha i really miss them a lot. i can see that they are all improving and doing well in sac so woohoo! i'm really happy for them:D
yup and many of them are able to represent singapore now! haha GO THEM! i'll never forget the oloo oloo freaky competition toilet aka slackers' area, the coaches' office and them gym :) i think that if i go on ranting, this post could be sum up to an essay of 9438276252251 words so yea, you get the picture. heehee.

alrite. now back to the present-
i'm joining the inter school biathlon! haha i'm doing the relay with Annette Tan :D she's doing the 5km running and i'm doing the 750m swim in open sea. zomg pressure because she's fast and wants to hit 23minutes! so i, being her relay team partner, cannot possibly pull her down. haha.

btw; i slept from 6pm to 11pm. so yes, in otherwords i just woke up. my sleeping pattern is so weird i swear. yea and got to get started with my chemistry bonding tutorial + GP essay (which my teacher has very kindly allowed me to hand up on monday. i didn't procrasinate!
she just went, "it's alright if you've no time and can't hand in tomorrow. monday is fine..." )
HAHA. so nice. hmmmmmmmmm-

mgs invitational relay today was great. haha i got to meet up with rachelg, adeline, orisa, katherine etc. ex-ssc swimmers! woohoo. i miss them sooo much <3 haha. saw cheryl tan, huiyu and yvonne too because there's some sports fest for rgs in toapayoh. though i didn't get to see my dear yan ling! :(

anyway, i'm happy that our relay team won first for the 4x50mfree against other jcs ( rjc and acjc didn't come. so if they did, we'll probably get 2nd or 3rd. hahaha.) . our time was 2.04. haha. but i'm upset because i didn't swim well. pb+1. sigh, i know i shouldn't expect a pb since i haven't been training hard in terms of quality and quantity but i'm still disappointed :/ but it's alright. i guess i'm rather used to it already. disappointments after disappointments... what's new for me ?

alright. so mr loh treated us to Subway after the race! haha, at first he wanted to treat us MacDonalds. so the four of us went, "mr loh so kiam siap!" HAHA. then he wanted to save face so woohoo! we went subway. heehee.
then we went back to school at around 1250 but i had to shower so went into math class late, with only GP lesson to attend. pretty waste time right ? haha.

&& i didn't go for training today because i was super sleepy& tired. not from the race but the waiting. zomg. i hate waiting for my race to begin. gets me all so lethargic.

OH YES. one more thing. i took bus+ mrt home today ALL ALONE. honestly. this is like my first time ever. i was so afraid of getting lost okay. haha. i feel like such a loser. SHOOT ME. haha.
k. i'm going to take a short nap before doing my tutorials+ catch my last episode of 一房半厅一水缸！haha i think the show is so funny. it's like, immediate happy hormones in my body.

Pictures from Jonathan's birthday aka tjc swim team dinner ! :D

results is not a measure of your self-worth.
results is not a measure of your self-worth.
results is not a measure of your self-worth.
results is not a measure of your self-worth.
results is not a measure of your self-worth.
results is not a measure of your self-worth.

...results is not a measure of your self-worth.

WHO AM I KIDDING.

okay i realised that my chinese is deproving. i got a S grade (sub-pass) for my chinese :( so i shall type out an entry all in chinese.

昨天， 我发现了一件事。 而当时的我一时不知所措。 当他们跟我说时， 我

整个人仿佛迷失了自己。 我不知该有什么反应。 如果我说我诚心为他们开

心，我在骗你。但相反的， 我并没有感到忌妒或难过。简单说，我心里只是

充满了一巨大的失望。我知道在朋友的份上,我应该为他们开心，但我始终

还是不能过我这一关。我不明白。 我已经用尽我所有的能力了, 但老天爷为

什么总是要讽刺我, 一再的玩弄我。我觉得我总是别人的阴影,永远竖起不

了头。我觉得自己很失败。 无论是做什么也好, 我总是比别人差。 而既然我

的最好也不可能比认和人来得好, 我为何要持续那么努力呢?

当生命给你所有的理由不再相信自己, 你如何去面对自己?

好了不要说这些了, 事情已经过去了,再怎么想也改不了这个事实。我只能当这只是一场恶梦。

今天祝大家好新星期五! (good friday) 虽然没有了学校, 但功课还是那么的多!

我还是介意你的话,
总在无意间变化。

rawrr i know i'm not going to get anywhere if i continue having this mentality of mine. but i can't help it. everytime i see something, it reminds me of another and it keeps on linking on. idk why i feel this way & i know it's not right at all. but why ? is there a way to block me out of all these? i think too much. maybe that's my problem. but if i didn't think about it at all, would it help/solve the problem?

anyway, march swim camp was good :) i need to stop being so contemplative zomg. haha. swimming training in the morning was alright. i liked the 10x50m make-on-time-for-each-lap-otherwise-whole-team-redo set. nice and exciting! haha i think i got more tired from being afraid of not making the time then the actual swimming. i held 35-37 seconds for each lap. haha i know it's slow but not bad for me alr haha. we had like, 1min rest time for each 50 . heehee.

yea then we had waterpolo ! woohoo i miss playing polo. haha then it was eastcoast bowling ! which was actually time for me to socialize with Eileen, Lynn, Eunice ! it's so nice to just chill & chat about almost anything& everything with people you know loves to talk like you ! haha. & went back to tjc for sleepover ! heehee mr loh cooked food for us how nicee zomg. played namegame after that. it was a game at like 12am around the track& sports com area how scary. & zomg stupid poot zongyao& roy kept "scaring" me because i was kind of afraid of the dark. haha.

no lights out ! how cool. haha though i was one of the first few to zzz . heehee next day was basically more of discussion of swimming carnival :) so yea short camp but i really got to know a lot of them much much more & most importantly, I LEARNT TO NOT BE SO DAO ! haha yayee 3-cheers for me :)

yea and i'm going to end this post. oh and today's chinese lesson was so contemplative. i meant, the story miss y was going through. haha omg i am learning how to not be contemplative & think so much here teacher- haha.

oh yes and one more thing!
i butchered my hair off ! :'( and i regret i regret bcos i look like a monster nowwww. ok bye.

hello pictures from sleepover at rachael anne goh's house ! woohoo :D hahaha.

zomg my last update was last week . haha . i'll attempt to update more today . erm , okay highlight of the week . i fell down . yes, AGAIN. this time in parkway overhead bridge stairs. thankgod i fell on the last step so i didn't tumble down the stairs . and i fell down pretty nice according to eileen and lenard. haha. embarrassing! and now both my feet are bandaged and my tendans on my toes are torn and kind of sprained/twisted.

ive no idea what brought me here. i know i shouldn't even be here. i should either be training or doing my tutorials. sometimes i don't even understand myself. i'd rather run away from what i know needs to be done. i feel i'm taking granted of the time i have. i keep thinking there's always a tomorrow for me. i guess ive lost my sense of urgency. i need to take that first one step.

everything is done in such a slipshod manner. i don't know why but there seems to be so much in my head at the moment that i can lie on my bed for 2hrs and not get any sleep, even though my eyes are feeling so heavy. my heart feels so empty. i don't see that light in my life anymore. i look at everyone else and i can see that identity in them, that particular trait. it's so easy, but yet, why can't i find that in myself? i've realised there are too many problems ive been avoiding in the past. and i feel embarrassed at myself. i didnt think that it was such a big deal at all initially, but it has somehow gotten to a point whereby it hit me so hard that i thought to myself, just when is this all going to end? i don't want to continue living my life this way. i want to believe i am here for a reason.

you are who you are,
there's no one like you,
everyone is made different.
"sometimes you don't have to be great,
just good enough to be happy."

how true.